The Man Cave, Conceived by Man, for Man
So, what is the man cave for? Well, we have to go back thousands of years to the dawn of mankind to really get to the heart of the matter. You see, even back in the days when humans lived in actual caves, there were female humans that insisted on a certain level of cleanliness and decor that male humans couldn’t quite understand.
“A place where you keep all your favourite stuff, you do what ever you want and nobody bothers you… It used to be called your Life, but then you got married so now its just a room.”
Seuthsayer29 January 17, 2013. Urban Dictionary.
Sure. I Can Fix That.
When man would come home after a hard days hunting and gathering, his first desire was to kick off his mammoth hide footwear and sit back and think of meat. But the second he walked through the cave entrance, and before the ritual kicking off of the footwear had taken place, woman would point out the loose shelving upon which her purple and pink potpourri sat and hand to man a tool by which to fix it.
Fixing was man’s job and in the communal dwelling areas of the cave, there was always much fixing to be done. This put a lot of undue pressure on man. Due to the nature of man’s place in the cave and the masculine requirements to be a worthy man he was unable to reveal to woman that fixing was not actually something he was very good at. Inevitably, his fixings broke. Consequently, the requirement to fix was perpetual.
Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.
As man grew older, he realised that his ritual of laying back and thinking of meat was nothing more than a pipe dream. Man soon realised that each day after hunting big beasts and picking the types of berries that made good quality moonshine, he required a dwelling that would be his own. A place where he could think of meat uninterrupted. But how could man achieve this? Could he source a new cave for himself and declare it his own without the consent of woman? Absolutely not. Woman would see this as man moving out of the communal dwelling altogether which would no bode well, what with all the fixing that needed attending to.
No, man had to think of a way to create a space which he could call his own, but which was in some way still very much a part of the communal dwelling. The space had to be within earshot of woman’s calling so as not to enrage woman, but had to be far enough removed from the pink and purple potpourri that he could apply manly decor unabated.
“a place where a guy can get away from the outside world. tends to have alot of manly things in there.”
C.E.G November 26, 2009. Urban Dictionary.
Here Goes Nothing…
Man approached woman and calmly said that he thought the communal dwelling required extending. Woman, imagining the extra storage space agreed. Cleverly, man pointed out that the place in which he kept all his collectables, the place woman called the junk corner, could be cleaned out and used as extra storage space for woman. Woman was happy with this, finally ridding the dwelling of man’s useless junk.
First the Man Cave, Then the Wheel
Adjoining the communal cave was a smaller cave in which man had half built a wooden cart but was waiting for the invention of the wheel in order to finish it. Woman never went to this place. The cavern was full of spiders and lizard type things that chewed on her toes. Man suggested moving his collectables to the adjoining cave and that he would clean it out and remove the toe chewing lizards. Woman was very proud of man and handed man his box of tools.
The next day man went about cleaning the adjoining cave. He asked woman which brushes did the best cleaning and which creamy substance made things shiny. Woman handed man the cleaning equipment required to rid the adjoining cave of its manly mess. Man gave another man his half built cart in exchange for some cured meat and set about turning the space into his own private meat dreaming cave.
“A room, space, corner or area of a dwelling that is specifically reserved for a male person to be in a solitary condition, away from the rest of the household in order to work, play, involve himself in certain hobbies, activities without interuption. This area is usually decorated by the male that uses it without interference from any female influence”.
Roni Evans January 26, 2004. Urban Dictionary.
After much sweat and Many Tears, I present to You the First Man Cave!
It took the man seven cycles of the sun to finish the job, a feat he was very proud of. The man cave construction cost the man many bottles of moonshine and quite a large portion of wild boar ribs to obtain the required objects which adorned his cave.
He installed a large bench seat upon which he applied bags of Dodo feathers for comfort. Upon the wall he hung the heads of wild animals that he had hunted and feasted upon. He created a high table in front of which were stools upon which to sit, and behind were racks in which to place tankers of moonshine accompanied by wooden cups that hung on hooks above the high table, easily reached.
In one corner he placed another table upon which could be played a game of flicking stones, popular in the local taverns, and on the wall he hung a wooden target where he could throw sharp objects with his man friends in a competitive fashion.
Happiness is a Place Called the Man Cave
Man was happy with his new space and showed it to woman. Woman was pleased that there were no longer any spiders and toe chewing lizards but didn’t quite understand the colour scheme and lack of potpourri. Nevertheless, woman was not unhappy with mans new found enthusiasm for cleaning equipment and was happy man had learned about the creamy stuff that made things shiny. Woman asked man what she should call the adjoining cave. Man responded with two simple words that still resonate to this very day. He told woman that from this day forth, the adjoining cave shall be known as the Man Cave.
Go Forth and Spread the Good Word
The Word spread about man’s new man cave, and men all across the village began to create spaces in which they could dream about meat in peace. Competition arose between the men and prime cut meat prizes were handed out for the best man cave constructions on a cyclical basis. The man cave concept grew ever larger with more and more meat and moonshine being spent on their interior refinements. As new inventions were released to market, man caves across the land would adopt them.
As new gaming ideas were adapted to table format, the race to be the first to install them into their man cave began. Men would invite other men to their man caves to discuss manly things and play childish pranks upon each other. Men across the land would sit back in solitude and think of meat for hours on end, uninterrupted by the need to fix things. Woman everywhere enjoyed more and more storage space as men removed their collectables from the main dwelling and installed them into their man caves.
“Not much is known about Man Cave other than that they drink large amounts of beer, have a strict entrance policy and dress code, and are rumoured to have beaten Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo.”
CaveManUNC September 14, 2007
If it Wasn’t for the Man Cave we Would Still be Living in Caves.
Marriages were saved as men found a happiness that they never knew existed and woman found that having a happy man made them happy too. Happiness spread far and wide. Tradesmen across the land profited from the women requesting their help to fix things properly. And fix things properly they did making women even happier.
The local economies of villages everywhere grew and Mega-caves began to open which supplied manly tools and other such do-it-yourself things required for constructing and maintaining a man cave. These Mega-caves grew very rich and expanded to selling vegetables, berries and meat. This resulted in men no longer requiring to hunt and gather themselves. Instead they could find other work which paid better allowing woman to expand upon the main dwelling and man to expand upon his man cave.
Word of the man cave soon went global. Villages turned into towns and towns turned into cities. With man’s freedom from hunter gathering, inventions came thick and fast. Centuries past, millenniums came and went. Man caves the world over became technological feats with boxes that made liquids cold, boxes that showed moving pictures of men kicking, hitting or throwing balls and boxes that came full of bottles that contained something called beer. Women no longer needed to shout at the top of their lungs to get man’s attention, instead she could just pick up a small box and speak into it whilst man would speak back through a small box of his own.
Man Hits Balls With Sticks. Man Kicks Balls With Feet… Man Sees it All in Full HD on a Moving Picture Box.
And so, the man cave is what it is today. A place of solitude and a place of social gathering. No longer just the space for man, but a space for everyone to enjoy. Both woman and man now enjoy the trappings of the man cave. Kids watch men kicking balls around on the box with their dads in the man cave.
Other men come over and inspect the temperature of man’s beer. Woman and man often cuddle on the sofa in the man cave as they watch a caped hero jump and fly around blowing things up and catching bad guys. Indeed, the man cave is a place for all, a place for fun, a place for love. The man cave was the dawn of civilisation. It gave birth to invention and progress. It enabled our minds to expand without the need for fixing too much. The man cave made the world what it is today.
But most of all, the man cave is a place for beer and meat whilst watching a big game of catch.
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